whoisbillw.

there's not really an easy way of saying this, so i'll just throw it out there: i have a drinking problem. it's a few months in the making, and i've nearly lost all control. but maybe that's the fluid painkillers talking: maybe i have lost all control. most of my friends and family would have never guessed, but it's painstakingly obvious to me. drinking started as a recreational thing, but it quickly evolved into a lifestyle. i suppose moderation is the key that i swallowed when i decided drinking could be used for any occasion.  i use it both for coping and for celebrating, and it's not healthy. which is weird, because it's extremely healthy. 

i guess i should also mention that i've never had a sip of alcohol in my life. not a single drop, and i may hold that claim till the day i die (it's not a matter of will, but of calling). and yet here i sit with a liquid addiction that causes and is caused by crazy judgement and misjudgment. it's a few months in the making, but i can stop production at any time: the way out is simple but not easy, straightforward but not well lit.       

and with that, this post marks the beginning of my journey to kick my protein shake addiction. 

shakes make every bead of sweat, every forced expiration, every second of the clock spent of working out worth it. compliments and tangible results are wonderful, but my ego eats those up so fast because i often take them for granted. on the other hand, i absolutely love my protein shakes and the rest after a hard workout. it's a glorious love/hate relationship that always maintains equilibrium within itself. the problem comes when good fitness/nutrition habits turn into an all encompassing mindset void of any desire to serve and love and worship and sacrifice. these things are freakin glorious when they're applied in the right places, but this mindset i've fallen into causes and is caused by self-greed, self-lust, self-idolatry, and self-indulgence.   

but alas! wallowing in the present with not change the present or the future. this is not a time for throwing pity parties, this is a time - the time - for throwing thanksgiving parties! i'm alive and i've been saved! defining the problem is the first step and planning change is the next. my "recovery plan" largely and completely revolves around getting back into the right position on the path that is life. this position involves standing next to people and behind god. lately i've been walking ahead of others and telling god to stand even behind them, keeping him out of earshot but close enough to come rescue me should i encounter an emergency that my friends couldn't handle. this also kept me feeling superior to other people (and to god!), feeling that god clearly made me better and more capable than them (and himself!). of course that's not true in the slightest, but that mindset convinces you that you're struggles and addictions are somehow "not as bad" as the things your fellow humans are doing, and it whispers to your heart that the things you struggle with define you and take away from your worth. it tells you that grace and mercy don't exist.      

i hope by this point you've realized that protein shakes are not the point of this post nor the reason i stumbled on the path of life. if you're still thinking about protein shakes, you're probably not looking at the big picture. in fact, this isn't even really about struggling with pride and greed--that just happens to be wat i'm currently working on. the big idea behind all of the above is the concept of inescapable, timeless redemption. i would say "daily redemption," but we are constantly being redeemed and forgiven provided we ask be so. i used to think (not even two years ago) that sinning against a friend or against god gave me free reign to screw up even more because my chance at moral perfection that day was already completely shot. oh how wrong i was! at any point in time we have the power to ask god for grace or a friend for forgiveness; we are simultaneously healed as we ask for the healing itself. how beautiful are the inner workings of life! and how glorious is the life we are meant and able to lead!

so now wat? well, i'm personally a list person. it runs in the family and it tends to get out of hand. in continuing with that trend, i think it's important to couple this spiritual renewing with tangible goals/changes, so here's a list of some things i plan to take head on. most of these have been high priorities in my life at one time or another, but after letting them slip multiple times i have witnessed their value and place in my current being:

- limit time spent on fitness blogs -
- make time for quiet time before school -
- use fitness knowledge to help others -
- memorize scripture (with accountability?) -
- pray throughout each day -
- tangibly serve those around me -
- intentionally invest time/energy into others -

i'm still figuring out specific times, amounts, names, etc., but this is the backbone of wat i'm going for! 

to finish, i'd like to share a simple question that really hit me hard the first time i heard it. this is more of a personal reflection than a universal blanket challenge, but i think it covers a lot of ground. to those dealing with an addiction of any kind or struggling with unhealthy priorities,

it's never too late for change, 

but wat will you gain by waiting?

[philippians 4:8]