fifteenweeksofcollege.

i've made a lot of stupid decisions in my life. like getting a 56% on a final exam this morning. i imagine it was a conscious decision at some point to study or not to study. but i've also made quite a few good decisions in my eighteen years. the most recent of which included a gyro and chick-fil-a sauce:

substituting the tzatziki sauce on the gyro for chick-fil-a sauce. i challenge you to dislike the obnoxious goodness of this edible perfection. :] seriously, i'm sending up a suggestion to the cafeteria in heaven.

i experienced "retail therapy" for the first time this week: man was it fun! i wasn't in need of the therapy, but any excuse to go to urban outfitters so a fashion savvy friend can spruce up my temporary wardrobe is worth it. in fact, i get it now. i understand how and why people will spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothing. i still can't totally justify it in my head, but i see the light, so to speak. right now i'm wearing moccs that aren't mine, basketball shorts that aren't mine, a free shirt from church camp, and a two dollar beanie. granted, it's during a friday night during finals week, but this isn't terribly unusual.  :b

i think it's really neat when people can express themselves through their clothes, and make a conscious effort to do so. i admire that art form, but i have yet to give it a shot. i'm officially done growing and i take pretty good care of my clothes, so my closet has been relatively the same set of shirts and shorts and shoes for the past three years. i love dressing up and looking classy, but i certainly don't mind wearing the same clothes. if it ain't broke, right? but honestly, i want to donate all of my clothes and start over with two dollar walmart v-necks and dickies and toms. all day, every day, for ever and ever. :]

fear/doubt < love/grace/mercy

despite the exciting adventures and conversations of the past week, i've been in such a funk the last couple of days. i've broken down and cried out and curled up out of this passionate fear that i'm living for a god that is no longer interested in me. i'd rather god not exist than feel that the god who does exist sees no use for me. a few nights ago, i melted in front of my praying hands and said

"lord, i'm here. i don't know how pliable i am, but i'm here lord."

i think that being vulnerable is being yourself. it's the point where you realize how helpless and insignificant and dependent you are, and where you can actually see how much you need something greater than yourself. can you relate? these situations teach me how important faith is. i put my faith in jesus: maybe you do too, or maybe you believe in family, or community, or nature, or man-kind. i think believing in yourself and only in yourself is a recipe for getting burned out, cause you're short-circuiting the "system." it's like having a plug for a heart and an outlet for a brain. the idea is to get plugged in to things that matter, things that last, things that teach you, but if you're plugged in to yourself, it's just you and your head in a white padded room.

people take patience but i'm convinced that they are worth it. that we are worth it. just today, i got to chill on the bus with a guy from my spanish class, and we talked the entire ride about the odds and ends of our lives. he's the funny guy of the class, and i'm the freshman, but that was pretty much all we were to one another--after fifteen weeks of sitting six feet away from this guy, we had cracked a few jokes together. fifteen weeks. i see him for four hours a week, and it took a random out-of-class run in to have a legit conversation. turns out he's a stand up comic and is looking to do sketch comedy as a living. i was surprised and super intrigued, cause that's freakin awesome! but i started wondering how interesting people are as a whole. maybe it's a talent, or a trip, or an experience, or a personality trait, or a physical feature. man, being intentionally social is scary, but the things you learn... gahh, it's lovely. :]

if you have a blog, leave a comment with your url: i love writing, but i've been totally creeping on other peoples' pages, and it's super legit! ;D i love how honest people are, especially when it's for the world to hear. to the same extent, i lovelovelovelovelove finding out that people dabble in the art of storytelling with photography. a picture is worth a thousand words, but an honest picture is worth a thousand words that are worth reading. i really, really enjoy seeing kids my age think and dream because we are not a lost cause. we're on to something, our generation. so is the generation before us, for letting us in on so many opportunities to make a difference in the world.

we took a spontaneous outing to pf chang's the other night, and our waiter was covered in tattoos. i wondered if it was hard for him to get a job there. i hope not.

[matthew 6:21]