elevenweeksofcollege.

defenestrate [dee-fen-uh-streyt] - v. - to throw (a person or thing) out of a window.

this past tuesday, i was asked if i smoked weed. he said he asked because my eyes are squinty all the time. kinda threw me off guard--i've never even seen an actual drug. but i was taken aback because i do my best to be intentional about how i listen, think, speak, and act, and i would have guessed that the people around me would have waived such a question. i've always been proud of my ability to relate to those who run lives that are radically different than my own, but it's a dangerous game that can lead to people-pleasing and compromising. have i been practicing what i'm preaching? i believe so. but maybe that's because i'm not really preaching anything at all. my greatest and only fear going into college was that i would find comfort. that i would learn to be ok with my surroundings. i want to preach a life that screams vision and action and progress. i'm not ok with being ok, and i never want to be.

beauty [byoo-tee] - n. - a meaningful design or pattern.

i'm a huge fan of finding beauty from ashes, and since we can only see a very small piece of life called the present, i'm an even bigger fan of letting god show me beauty from ashes. the last few weeks have truly opened my eyes to the extreme pains that individuals and groups face on a daily basis here in college. much of this pain is self-induced, but that fact is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  there is nothing beautiful about a girl who is abused by her boyfriend, or a guy who struggles to accept himself, but there is a divine beauty in knowing that hope is a real thing, and that it's attainable. it's nearly tangible, and it is a gift that relentlessly pursues those who need it. which would be all of is, in one way or another.

ugliness [uhg-lee-ness] - n. - that which is offensive to the sense of beauty.

i went to the midnight premiere of the newest harold and kumar movie. i'm not particularly proud of that decision, but i ended up staying to watch the entire film. there is nothing beautiful about a crowd of teenagers cheering when the actor finds a blunt on his doorstep, or when two strangers hook up and have awkward sex, or when a baby is tripping on e. it's just not the sort of thing i want to be supporting. i left in a super pensive mood that quickly lead to a sincere annoyance with our generation. i was annoyed because of the way my peers interpret freedom, by the way they exercise their free will. it was frustrating to know how much potential is being wasted because we focus so much on the things that bring us instant pleasure and gratification.

but then i realized how silly it was to be annoyed. peeving over the noticeable symptoms for problems that are much more deeply rooted never accomplished anything. so let's replace all the variables here.  why not be passionate about bringing gratification and satiety to others? just a thought i suppose.

bad [bad] - n. - not good in any manner or degree.

this past tuesday was such a mess. i was having a great day, being all productive and such, but it seemed like things couldn't get worse for a number of my friends. breakups, broken electronics, deleted papers, sleepless nights. just the things that send a stressed out college kid over the edge.          

interesting [in-ter-uh-sting] - adj. - engaging or exciting and holding the attention or curiosity.

three weeks ago, a friend invited me to a saw movie marathon. we started at midnight, and she fell asleep during the second film. we had to host another marathon to get through the next two, and she feel asleep again. those movies are works of art, from filming and psychological aspects. jigsaw wasn't totally right in the head, but he knew human nature down to the t. his basis for the experiments he performed was that he wanted to make people appreciate the lives they've been given. the test subjects were selected because they had been extremely abusive to their own well being. they were not thankful for second chances, much less first chances. these people were victims to their own selfishness, and they payed for it dearly. how much are we paying? life is a gift that has already been payed for: shouldn't we freely accept it?

joy [joi] - n. - a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.

i find a lot of philosophical truth in the bible. i recently read a few verses that express this idea that kindness is supposed to be an overflow of the state of the heart. i've also heard that we should give as we are able to give. together, these concepts have changed the way that i go about serving others.  i think it's hard to give if you are empty to begin with. we college kids are in such a unique position to change themselves, each other--the world, if we choose to do so. this all revolves around the concept of potential. a few years ago, i called out a new friend of mine. i told her that she had potential to be great:  it was one of the most powerful things god has ever said through me. so many of us are so focused on being independent and getting respect that we miss out on the opportunity to make an actual difference in the world. and many of us focus so freakin hard on being good people, on being tolerant, on following the rules, and we try to work our way to heaven or to a high level of personal morality.    

bitterness [bit-er-ness] - n. - intense antagonism or hostility.

patience [pey-shuh'ns] - n. - quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

it's a pretty incredible feeling to realize when you can't love somebody on your own power. incredible in the sense that it is completely consuming--it took me two months to give up on loving them on my own power. i was so preoccupied with the symptoms of their bitterness, that i ended up catching that disease.   god has been teaching my how to be patient and and to surrender through exposure to the diseases that affect others' lives. to an extent, we've all tried digging our graves before. some of us go to great lengths to dig faster and to get others to help us. wild stuff, really.

grateful [greyt-fuh'l] - adj. - warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received.

independence [in-di-pen-duh'ns] - n. - freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

it's been a long time since i've been truly grateful for something or someone. it's been almost as long since i've experienced true joy. i was so bitter because i was trying to be so independent. i sought freedom so passionately that i found my chains. i pursued others with weak, earthly love so intensely that i discovered my conditions. i tried to create beautiful intentions that resulted in ugly outcomes.  i experienced, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i learned about patience, and the importance of patience, and the application of patience. this past month has been interesting: full of interesting people, places, lessons, conversations, observations. thank you, lord. you're hardcore rocking my small little world right now.

i'm going to defenestrate a handful of confetti someday.

[galatians 5:13]