the rat's pajamas.

plumjuice.

2012-02-03T11:23:00.000-08:00

here's my view from the smokers' bench!

turns out there are a few thousand ingredients in cigarettes, some of which are quite odd. you know wat else is odd? bible verses like proverbs 22:13, which says,

"the sluggard says, 'there's a lion outside! i'll be killed in the public square!'"

say huh? so i looked it up and... pshh. there would be another blog post about it. ;] so let's try out a diffferent verse, a few lines up. how about proverbs 22:9?

"the generous will themselves be blessed, for they share their food with the poor."

this one seems to be a bit more clear right off the bat, which is always nice, but it also has some serious relevance to our everyday lives. it's really, really cool seeing how more and more people are so apt to lend money out to others. especially when they don't demand or even ask to be payed back. it shouldn't be this way, but money runs the circus of a planet that we live on: it's a precious resource to say the least.

fact: jessica alba is smoking hot, and i think every guy-- and most girls--would probably agree with that.

fact: jessica alba has supported over two dozen charities and non-profit organizations.

wat if that was her bread winner? wat if we valued her generosity, and complimented her looks? jessica alba aside, that seems to be quite the opposite of how we treat the people around us. i am so freakin guilty of this:

"i got to know soandso because they were thisorthat and they could offer me suchandsuch. a few months later i found out he/she was a good person, too."

let's hear it for being #superficial! everyday i have to remind myself that being generous is not (personally) a natural thing, and that it often takes a conscious effort to seek out ways to bless others. it's a wonderful feeling to help somebody else, especially when it has nothing at all to do with money. there is a survey that determines which of these five categories symbolizes your dominant love language, both giving and receiving; my giving language is acts of service. god has given me a heart for his children, for all of you, and i love serving others. this doesn't come up all that often, but i love manual labor, which is why i love going to mexico on house building trips, and being an anonymous team member on volunteer projects, anything that requires a community effort to accomplish. wat do you like to give? wat can you give? wat do you give?

*note*

i wrote this yesterday (thursday) morning, and ran out of time to finish, so i just added the last two sentences right now. i just read back through this, and my jaw hit the floor a second ago: not only is god alive and active, but he's also pretty good at letting you know it's him that brings about change. last night, 12 hours after writing, i had an experience that changed my life: god was able to use me to play out the exact words of proverbs 22:9. so my mind is blown right now. i'll try to write again tonight or tomorrow. i am freakin ready for life. he's a freakin lion, baby. not to be confusd with the lion mentioned above. ;D

threequarters.

2012-01-31T12:13:00.000-08:00

i have a good 45 minutes of free time between classes right now, so i figured it'd be a great chance to write. first of all, here is my view right now:

i'm chilling at an underground cafe, i feel the gorgeous weather, i taste refreshing iced coffee, i see waterfalls and business men, i hear mumford and sons, and i can't smell anything cause i'm all stuffed up. :b alas! it is a good day thus far. i just got out of an anatomy lecture an will soon be going to a non-profit lecture. let the good times roll, baby. :D

i really don't have any set topic for this. i have some down time and i feel fantastic so i figured i'd let the world know about it! this morning i read through luke 10, and i really didn't get a whole lot out of it. i wasn't all that moved by jesus sending out the couple dozen disciples, and i had already heard the parable of the good samaritan multiple times. also, there are two old ladies sitting above me, one of who has a dachshund on her lap. #precious. anyway, during lecture this morning i found this study on the opening story in the chapter. jesus sends out all these disciples into the cities in order to brag about jesus and god and all that good stuff. the study says "picture wat you would do if god called you to this." here are the predisposing conditions for this journey:

(1) with the others, you are now "lambs among wolves" (10:3).
(2) you are to set out with no provisions (10:4).
(3) you are to eat watever you are served (10:7-8).
(4) you will be rejected for showing jesus' love (10:10-16).

pshh. that doesn't sound fun, now does it? "leave with nothing more than the knowledge that jesus loves you and that you should show that love to others." i can picture the disciples' faces upon hearing such a game plan:

-_-

but hey, they must've thought jesus was pretty rad cause they put there pride aside and did wat he said. and how did it turn out?

"the seventy-two returned with joy and said, 'lord, even the demons submit to us in your name.'"

and jesus was like,

"bros! i totally saw that, right on! but hey listen, that's cool and all, but i have bigger plans for you! y'all probably haven't read the book of matthew yet cause it hasn't really been published, but it talks about non-believers casting out demons, so let's focus on things that only believers can do. i'll make you guys a deal: how about i write your names in heaven?"

and the disciples are like,

-_-

and jesus starts thanking god for the incredible things that he's doing through--and more importantly, in--these guys and he's just super stoked on life. of course god wants us to hear wat he has to say about himself and ourselves, but wat brings overwhelming joy to him is when we put those things into practice. when we live out wat we believe, when we show love to others because we cannot contain ourselves: when we loves others because they are human, not because they can give us something in return.

my time has run out, as well as my iced coffee, so i'll leave it at this. maybe i'll get a chance to write out something about the parable of the good samaritan. definitely some legit stuff in there, biblically and philosophically. i'm really inspired right now to live out the stuff that i'm reading about, and i love seeing that desire well up in others. if you have anything, biblical or otherwise, that's been meaningful and inspirational to you, drop a comment below! thinking is underused and underrated, so i love spreading ideas around that get the gears moving. :] so yeah, have a splendid rest of your day! live it up!

[matthew 5:4]

dearwifey.

2012-01-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

hey babycakes-

if i ever actually call you that, don't acknowledge me. wait till i call you "babe" or "honey" or "hot stuff" or something a little less childish. ;D

i just designed our future house. it's a little small, but i hope you like it. our bedroom has no ceiling, just a sheet of glass. why? cause it's freakin awesome, that's why. ;] but more importantly--much more importantly--i want to see you glistening in the father's love, under the stars, and i want to take your hand and ask you to dance. i want to dance with you, under the stars, to this song, glorifying the love that binds us: the love that we praise because we could never even have a decent shot at fathoming it. i long to worship with you, and that is why you're worth waiting for.

until next time,
your patient warrior.

ps- ecclesiastes 3:11.

[2 timothy 2:22]

thebatmanparttwo.

2012-01-25T21:41:00.000-08:00

"when a forest grows too wild, a purging fire is inevitable and natural."

i think this accurately portrays our pursuit of the american dream, and it's crazy seeing how consuming it is. man, i'm so guilty of looking at the rich and famous and wondering wat they did right in a past life. :b we're all seeking attention and we're willing to set pretty much anything on fire if it'll help our faces get recognized. i'm not pro-socialism, but i love the idea of everyone sharing everything so that there "are no needy people among us." dude can you imagine if we actually lived like that? always being financially secure, never living in excess, tending to the orphans and widows, focusing on the things that both maintain and promote humanity. such a wild concept, but how far fetched is it really? it would require total, complete, no-exception interdependence between every single person within the community. it could start small, and grow bigger and bigger and it would become such an attractive way of life and i'm getting all excited thinking about it. :]

also, here is a quote by the one and only mr. mahatma gandhi:

"interdependence is and ought to be as much the ideal of man as self-sufficiency. man is a social being. without interrelation with society he cannot realize his oneness with the universe or suppress his egotism. his social interdependence enables him to test his faith and prove himself on the touchstone of reality."

lord, shake us from our egos and selfishness. open our eyes to something greater than ourselves, something worth sacrificing and fighting for. we're broken and we keep looking to our own brokenness and the brokenness of others for comfort. shake us into the reality and fullness of your love. thank you for this love you allow us to experience here on earth, even if we haven't perfected the art of it yet.

"people need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy."

this pretty much speaks for itself, but i'll share how it resonates with me: i am blessed to have grown up in the united states of america. but i can't live here forever. i hear stories of people who sell there house, car, and possessions save a backpack, bike, and a jacket, and travel the world, looking for nothing but finding everything. i want to sell it all, donate it all, watever, and gtfo. XD i'd love to roam the streets, but i hope i end up somewhere where paved roads don't even exist. i want to meet people who drop to their knees and cry out joyous songs simply because they have food on the table. oh, how far we are from true happiness! can you relate to this? i'm embarrassed at how often that happens, but i have hope that i'll be grateful for more and more things as life rolls on.

"if you start pretending to have fun, you might actually have some by accident."

give it a shot! change isn't always a bad thing either. :D

"create enough hunger and everyone becomes a criminal."

take a look at this website. do you see the hunger? for love? for hope? for something--anything--real? the hungry search for food, steal for food: the crimes begin, lust, vengeance, selfishness, gluttony, greed. it's contagious, and it's easy, and it feels so real. don't settle. don't ever settle for anything less than perfection. compassionate people exist, and they're looking for you, they want to help you find food. and when you find an abundance of food...

smile cause life is as beautiful as you keep it. :]

yet we have become a people who fear the dark,
we have nightlights and streetlamps
to ward off the blackness,
but if we were to stop for only a moment,
and listen to the stars, they would tell us
you are not alone.
and wat are we so afraid of?
it's not as if the void will come and
swallow us in our sleep.

excerpt from "nothing to fear" by garth young.

[hebrews 13:2]

thebatmanpartone.

2012-01-24T22:50:00.000-08:00

"you traveled the world. now you must journey inwards, to wat you really fear: it's inside you; there's no turning back. your parents death was not your fault. your training is nothing. the will is everything. if you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, you become something else entirely. are you ready to begin?"

i've never gone the party, drug, or sex route, but i've had my fair share of false contentment, searching for things to give me purpose and happiness and strength and satisfaction. i've looked outward, thinking a relationship would fill my heart. i've turned to pity, feeding off the compassion and hospitality of others. i've tried the god route, praying that he would help me in times of need and leave me alone the rest of the time. nothing ever gave me a satisfying sense of fulfillment. so i turned inward, to myself, to my own strength. i starved myself of any outside influence, depending on the sand that i built my confidence on. i've searched out placebos, with no gains, but with a will like no other.

i am the person i am today because of the person i was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. i could be so much more if i had never let sin grip my heart so tight--if i hadn't fought in so many unintended wars. i look at facebook and tumblr and see the battles that people face everyday, both internal and external, and i see so much emotional bloodshed. so much unnecessary bloodshed, people dying on the inside day after day, imprisoning themselves, all for an unfruitful cause. we fight in the name of love! and independence! and family! and anything else that we place value in. friends, let's fight for a real cause! let's stop sacrificing our time, money, energy, and sanity for unfaithful symptoms: let us fight for a cause much greater than these, one which we can find true satisfaction, where we will find love and truth and respect and honor and value. we'll find these things as soon as we stop looking for them. we're in good hands, people. chillax and breath. just breath, and take heart in a love you can see. are you ready to begin this lifelong journey?

"your compassion is a weakness your enemy will not share."

"that's why it's so important: it separates us from them."

hey men, let's talk compassion, yeah? sounds like a girly term. and that's because it is: girls are a lot better at feeling bad for people than we are. and they're much better and going out of their way to alleviate the suffering of the bent and broken. we like to see problems and struggles as weaknesses. not hurdles or mountains, but weaknesses. failing consists of tripping and falling down, not catching the flu. however, failure does resemble the flu in that our attitude in the midst of failure is always contagious. whether we sink our heads low and mutter curses under our breaths, or if we keep our chins up with a humble smile, people will notice. back to compassion, we deal with these roadblocks in our own lives, so it would make sense to think others may deal with some of the same issues. so fellas, let's throw off our tough-guy masks and show the world that we actually care about the people around us because we've experienced so may of the same things. compassion is leveling with others, holding them accountable for finding real hope, and maybe even using your own struggles to let them know that they are not alone.

"if someone stands in the way of true justice, you simply walk up behind them and stab them in the heart."

i'm sure this would go over well in our society today. :b so this reminds me of the guys who stand on street corners yelling "you're going to hell, repent and die slowly!" the guy who gave me a pamphlet today wasn't yelling at all, but i still don't think his good intentions are leading many people to a better path. watever you believe in, preach it with your actions. it's not about earning "good person points," but we humans tend to have such a disconnect between wat we believe, wat we say, and wat we do. i think working toward an agreement between the three would be something worth investing in. speaking about beliefs, words, and actions...

"it's not who you are underneath: it's wat you do that defines you."

yes and no. yes because people will always judge you based on your actions: the fruits of our labor will always define us here on earth. but i think wat's underneath--your motives and intentions--are even more important, especially in the long term. of course our actions should reflect wat we say and believe, as i mentioned above, and i think all three should reflect our inner humanness. aka humanity, aka rawness and brokenness and genuineness and togetherness and oneness and wholeness and beautifulness and righteousness and dudewe'reallchildrenofaperfectfatherandweshouldcelebratethat! :]

i hope you felt a new feeling or thunk a new thought. have a great night/day!

[mark 9:35]

worthwhile.

2012-01-18T17:20:00.000-08:00

"Do yourself a favor, and join me in a wedge salad."

modern family is my favorite tv shoe. shoe? show. modern family is my tv favorite show. favorite tv show. wow. :b in other news! you obviously don't watch tv if you're spending your free time looking through blogs. so let's talk favorite blogs. my favorite blogs are listed on the right side of this page under the "others" tab. check em out cause they freakin rock! leave them a comment so they know they're loved. :]

if you have any favorite blogs that you recommend,

drop

comment
this
way!

\ /

check these out. ~~-----~~>

[1 corinthians 13:3]

pointless.

2012-01-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

"i don't speak german, but i can if you'd like." that probably means something dirty. hmm.

if you're not one already, do you ever wonder wat kind of parent you'll be someday? the things you'll say, the things you'll spend your time on, the line where can no longer love your children... well that's a happy thought, let's start over. :] i've always flirted with this idea that i would starve my children of things like video games, television, and anything else that i don't personally find of value to society. i want my child to be surrounded by endless opportunities to grow, to find knowledge, to experience the world.

but then msn presented me with an interesting video a few months ago. of course i can't find it now--cause that would be way too easy--but it talked about how parents need to let their children play, that schools must keep recess as a staple item in early education. why? well it's pointless, really.

the point of play is that it's pointless.

say wat? the article went on to reference numerous studies about how pointlessly meandering around as a child is healthy, but they also relied on the whole "let kids be kids" way of thinking.

the point of play is that it's pointless.

dull pencils are pointless too. and circles. this post will be too if i don't pick it up. :]

sobriety.

just last night, a friend told me that everything i'm going through--the good, the bad, and the ugly--are all healthy for me. i hate hearing that cause it's easy being drunk on life. taking it all in as it comes and living like none of it is actually happening, like the responsibility to turn around is not yours. it's a numb high, if such a thing can exist. but my friend brought a very sobering illustration before my eyes last night. she put it like this:

so many people have this idea that life is like a giant mountain, and the climax is at the top, and everything up to that point is a constant uphill struggle. if that were the case, we would lose heart and hope and sight of a downhill, or even a plateau. life is more like a bunch of mountains connected by a single trail. unless you're tracking backwards all the time, each series of hardships and successes represent a different mountain. when god tries teaching us about ourselves, we wrestle with him, all the while traveling up the mountain. we experience success when we reach the top of the mountain, but in order for god to keep growing us, we must fall in humility as we travel down the other side of the path, into, through, and out of the next valley.

so yeah i was pretty sober after that.

wat does your current mountain look like?

we live in such a broken world, filled with broken people and broken things. africa is broken, rich white people are broken, church is broken, marriage is broken. but that's ok. i mean, not really, but it's ok because "ok" is somewhere between hopeless and fixed. "ok" is hopeful. :] we're in good hands, as are all of our problems. have you ever told god that he can't fix you because of the sheer magnitude of your problems? i sure have!

"god, just because you can create a planet and come up with something as genius as this or as beautiful as this doesn't mean that you're somehow qualified or able to glue me back together. i bet you couldn't even create that much glue!"

hope is a powerful thing. in fact, i think it's the glue here. and everywhere. god doesn't need to create that much glue because he already has! ain't that beautiful?! we have free access to an unlimited supply of glue, and it's always been here and it's up to us to apply it. oh goodness we are so broken, but we are so beautiful! you, reader, you are beautiful! makeup will never make you beautiful because you already are! and makeup doesn't hold things together like glue does, anyway. to the fellas, listen to jesus says about masculinity, maybe even look at my boy titus , you'll see it. ladies, look no further than proverbs 31:25-31 for the definition of pure sexiness. seriously though.

so these guys freakin rock. in every single one of their videos.

well this post took an unexpected turn for the awesome. :D well, i'm looking to post on friday, and every tuesday and friday from here on out. hope you all have a great and meaningful rest of the week!

[matthew 5:8]

godmadesex.

2012-01-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

i don't really know wat it's like to be something other than single. wat does it mean when you're in a "complicated relationship?" wat is a date like? wat's it like to be somebody's first kiss? wat's it like to be somebody's second kiss? as a single kid in college, it's hard not to wander about the taken life, often deemed the "good life." of course it's good! god intended for males and females to hook up and have fun. not casually, of course, but he created relationships, so they ought to be freakin fantastic.

god must be taking a break from facebook and tumblr though. because if he ever checked his news feed, i'm sure he'd see the dozens of discontented couples, the innumerable relationship status changes, and the overarching drama related to the subject. so the big issue is gay marriages. why? let's ban straight marriages too! more than half of them end because of "complications" anyway. i don't really mean that of course, but i don't know, someday we'll figure it out. "i only like having sex with one person; i don't like sleeping around." actual quote from right now. careful wat you say, people on the fifth floor, cause someone might be ranting while you babble on. :] sex is great. i wouldn't know, but i sure hope it is. probably not though, cause great things are usually handled with delicacy and esteem and importance and exclusiveness. yeah, i like that: exclusiveness. when was the last time you heard someone say that sex should be exclusively between one guy and one girl in a christ centered relationship? hahah. have you ever heard that? no way! people just don't do that any more. college preaches safe sex, not abstinence. high school preaches dress codes, not decent behavior (don't even get me started on dress codes. >,<).

it's hard not to judge people who let their sex lives run loose. i try not to though, because chances are, they don't live by the same rules that i do. and if they don't live by the same rules that i do, how can i possibly judge them on how well they're living by the rules? so i resort to prayer. sometimes it feels useless, like god is too small to fix such an excessive, selfish generation. it can feel useless, it can certainly feel hypocritical too. not a single human being is exempt from this struggle to retain self control, to be upright in all we do, to look through windows as much as we look at mirrors. i believe we need a god bigger than the universe to accomplish such a rouge people, but maybe you don't. maybe you believe it's up to individual effort, or organized movements. then let's do that! let's all be breathing examples of meaningful living, let's gain the attention of the masses, let's do something other than drinking our pains away, day after day, waiting for something to change. let's change. as individuals in a community.

for those who shoot up for breakfast and drink your dinners, your pain is real. it's real, and it's comfortable, and it's home, but it's not necessary. nor is it your future. that lifestyle is an option: one of many, and one of the hardest. it takes a great deal of self-discipline and self-denial to lead such a routine, but it's such a juxtaposing, never-ceasing battle. it's believing one thing and living out another. your pain is real, but so is hope. and help and trust and faith and honor and purity. it's never to late to turn around. better late than never, but better now than later. :]

[psalm 139:14]

winterbreak2011.

2012-01-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

it's almost weird calling it "winter break." it's less like winter and more like jacket weather, and it's less like a break and more like a time to cram in hangout sessions. nevertheless, i've greatly enjoyed the past few weeks, mostly because of the quantity and quality of self-realization i've been exposed to. in addition, i had the pleasure of reconnecting with my band friends over the past few days and i keep realizing how much they mean to me. the kids, of course, but also the environment that marching band sets up, a safe haven for creative living--this i also appreciate more and more each day. it's pretty incredible to see how an extra-curricular activity can shape and transform lives in such a dramatic fashion. marching band took me in as a self-conscious, shy, timid kid and kicked me out as a social leader ready to take on the world.

the beauty of marching band is the same beauty i find in early christianity. both serve as places for the broken, the different, the outcasts, and provide them with a support group without over-sheltering them from the realities of life. it's that idea of community that so many of us miss. i thank the lord for my time in marching band, and i pray that it would remain a place run on acceptance and healing. it's so much more than the music.

i had chicken noodle soup for breakfast, with a side of kleenex and allergy medicine. "i don't always get sick, but when i do, my nose explodes off of my face." blogging seemed like the best way to spend today given my lack of energy, so thus. :] i can't concentrate for the life of me right now, though, so here's a random thoughts list:

click on anything that's green.
i'm so excited to go back to school this semester! i have some big plans in the works and i'm super stoked to get to put them into action. academic, spiritual, social, physical, extracurricular, etc. the first semester of college was such an eye-opening experience, and i'm hoping to apply the things i learned to how i interact with people, use my free time, etc. my biggest takeaway from first semester is how important being intentional is. you might have a single class with someone for four months and never get to see them again. puts things into perspective.
check out FISHEYECHRONICLES, my photo collection page. :]
speaking of which, i have an uprising fear that i'm going to live my life behind a lens. finding balance is kind of the theme of my life, and this is no exception to that. i want to capture meaningful moments in y life, but i don't want to miss out because i'm trying so hard to take the right shot, or get the best footage. i guess we'll see how that all turns out.
i also have a fear that i will never connect to anyone as well as i connected with my high school band friends. my college friends are freakin sweet and we've had so many good times, but sometimes i can't help but compare my current experiences with the good times i had a few years ago. once again, that's something that i'm intentionally working on this semester. :]
i had a simple christmas. i got a christina perri cd, a sleeping bag, and a bit of college apparel. it was a nice change of pace that really leveled my head during the holiday season. :]
i read romans 14 this morning. it talks about doing everything to the lord, and it brings up a brilliant point that many "traditional christians" miss: people express their faith in different ways. many different way! chapter 14 specifically addresses eating to the lord. some are vegetarians because they've decided in their own hearts to show obedience through not eating meat. others eat everything because god gave us animals to eat, and they're showing their thanks. i've been thinking about this concept in terms of clothing. specifically the clothes we wear to church. if you'd like to call it a battle, it's "sunday best" vs "come as you are." personally, i wear shorts, toms, and a v-neck to church because i want to be myself before the lord. on the other "side," people want to show their respect for god by taking time out of their day to get all spiffied up. this goes for numerous situations, but regardless, i'd agree with paul in that "nothing is unclean in itself." however taking this verse out of context isn't a good idea because we could miss a very important point. here's the next two verses: "but if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. if your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. do not by your eating destroy your brother or sister for whom christ died." cussing, tattoos, nudity, relationships, and sarcasm all fit into this concept as well. it's about searching your own heart and respecting the hearts around you. really neat stuff!
[click me!]
i'm fairly convinced that we'll get raptured before guys and girls learn to coexist.
i had a wonderful new years! i was invited to hangout with the band at a mock wild west town for an award ceremony. we walked around, checked out the petting zoo, chilled by the fire, played checkers, watched fireworks. good times in good company. :]
have you ever looked to the bible for encouragement and found absolutely no help at all? it's the worst feeling ever! you already feel bruised and beaten down, and the one thing that promises hope seems to fail to do so. the other day i decided to dedicate an hour of my time to search the bible out because i was dealing with that exact problem. i read through galatians 5, wrote out the entire chapter in my journal, and dissected it verse by verse. dude, it was absolutely incredible! i made margin notes that covered a range of emotions and levels of seriousness. it was so freeing, to say the least, in fact, the first verse says, "it is for freedom that christ has set us free. stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." if that resonates with you at all, i suggest you check out galatians 5!
accountability is sooo important. it requires interdependence. i hope you recognize that word in about a year or so. :] anyway, if you're looking to start doing something, or stop doing something, then having someone to hold you accountable for that is crucial. you could go the independent route, but then you're simply relying on what you feel, what you think, what you know, and what you think you know. 'tis a scary place to be! community is a hilarious tv show, as well as a word with some serious power behind it.
happy 2012! let's make it count! :]

[john 10:10]

fifteenweeksofcollege.

2011-12-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

i've made a lot of stupid decisions in my life. like getting a 56% on a final exam this morning. i imagine it was a conscious decision at some point to study or not to study. but i've also made quite a few good decisions in my eighteen years. the most recent of which included a gyro and chick-fil-a sauce:

substituting the tzatziki sauce on the gyro for chick-fil-a sauce. i challenge you to dislike the obnoxious goodness of this edible perfection. :] seriously, i'm sending up a suggestion to the cafeteria in heaven.

i experienced "retail therapy" for the first time this week: man was it fun! i wasn't in need of the therapy, but any excuse to go to urban outfitters so a fashion savvy friend can spruce up my temporary wardrobe is worth it. in fact, i get it now. i understand how and why people will spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothing. i still can't totally justify it in my head, but i see the light, so to speak. right now i'm wearing moccs that aren't mine, basketball shorts that aren't mine, a free shirt from church camp, and a two dollar beanie. granted, it's during a friday night during finals week, but this isn't terribly unusual. :b

i think it's really neat when people can express themselves through their clothes, and make a conscious effort to do so. i admire that art form, but i have yet to give it a shot. i'm officially done growing and i take pretty good care of my clothes, so my closet has been relatively the same set of shirts and shorts and shoes for the past three years. i love dressing up and looking classy, but i certainly don't mind wearing the same clothes. if it ain't broke, right? but honestly, i want to donate all of my clothes and start over with two dollar walmart v-necks and dickies and toms. all day, every day, for ever and ever. :]

fear/doubt < love/grace/mercy

despite the exciting adventures and conversations of the past week, i've been in such a funk the last couple of days. i've broken down and cried out and curled up out of this passionate fear that i'm living for a god that is no longer interested in me. i'd rather god not exist than feel that the god who does exist sees no use for me. a few nights ago, i melted in front of my praying hands and said

"lord, i'm here. i don't know how pliable i am, but i'm here lord."

i think that being vulnerable is being yourself. it's the point where you realize how helpless and insignificant and dependent you are, and where you can actually see how much you need something greater than yourself. can you relate? these situations teach me how important faith is. i put my faith in jesus: maybe you do too, or maybe you believe in family, or community, or nature, or man-kind. i think believing in yourself and only in yourself is a recipe for getting burned out, cause you're short-circuiting the "system." it's like having a plug for a heart and an outlet for a brain. the idea is to get plugged in to things that matter, things that last, things that teach you, but if you're plugged in to yourself, it's just you and your head in a white padded room.

people take patience but i'm convinced that they are worth it. that we are worth it. just today, i got to chill on the bus with a guy from my spanish class, and we talked the entire ride about the odds and ends of life our lives. he's the funny guy of the class, and i'm the freshman, but that was pretty much all we were to one another--after fifteen weeks of sitting six feet away from this guy, we had cracked a few jokes together. fifteen weeks. i see him for four hours a week, and it took a random out-of-class run in to have a legit conversation. turns out he's a stand up comic and is looking to do sketch comedy as a living. i was surprised and super intrigued, cause that's freakin awesome! but i started wondering how interesting people are as a whole. maybe it's a talent, or a trip, or an experience, or a personality trait, or a physical feature. man, being intentionally social is scary, but the things you learn... gahh, it's lovely. :]

if you have a blog, leave a comment with your url: i love writing, but i've been totally creeping on other peoples' pages, and it's super legit! ;D i love how honest people are, especially when it's for the world to hear. to the same extent, i lovelovelovelovelove finding out that people dabble in the art of storytelling with photography. a picture is worth a thousand words, but an honest picture is worth a thousand words that are worth reading. i really, really enjoy seeing kids my age think and dream because we are not a lost cause. we're on to something, our generation. so is the generation before us, for letting us in on so many opportunities to make a difference in the world.

we took a spontaneous outing to pf chang's the other night, and our waiter was covered in tattoos. i wondered if it was hard for him to get a job there. i hope not.

[matthew 6:21]

fourteenweeksofcollege.

2011-12-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

they cuss. they smoke. they love jesus. and they're doin work.

i went to the orphanage in mexico for the second time, and to be honest, i wasn't terribly excited going into it. as much as i wanted to play with the kids there for hours on end, i wanted to make a difference in the orphanage that could extend into the community. i didn't see that as a probable outcome of that trip, but i decided to go anyway because i wanted to practice my spanish with the adults there. god has this funny way of presenting you with unique opportunities that you could never have guessed, almost as a way to say "hah! i'm the freakin boss around here. don't tell me wat will and will not happen!" i am not impressed with that attitude most of the time, but he caught me at a good point in my life: it's like he knew wat i was thinking or something.

anyway, my friend who drove us down there invited another group of guys to meet up with us during the first night. turned out that this group of four guys go around the world doing exactly the type of thing that i have been searching for. they travel around, looking for hurting communities, and finding sustainable and scale-able solutions to the problems that they face. i tagged along with them for the remainder of the trip, and we conducted interviews and took tours and learned about the clockwork behind the orphanage. they are struggling to meet the rent and overall costs of running the facility. so the main issue is money. selling marmalade is clearly the solution, right? they seem to think so. here's how it works:

the orphanage already grows apple trees. time and money are already being poured into the trees, so why not do something useful with them? teach the older kids how to make and jar marmalade. those kids can then teach other (and younger) kids. sell the marmalade. not only does that bring in money and attention from the sales, it also gives the kids job experience in both food and business for future careers. by including kids from outside of the orphanage in the business procedures, word about the facility will travel faster and wider than ever. attention is important because that could generate more sources of donations. more donations means that the orphanage could provide better service to more kids.

not a bad set of ideas. :] we go back in january to see how everything is holding up, and plans may be put in place to get this business up and running. totally stoked right now.

would it be a conceited move to reference my own autobiography? >,<

"i do not think 'homeless' would look very professional on a resume, but i believe being without a permanent place of residence requires more work than many of today's jobs do. someday i will live on the streets with the shallow-pocketed."

i had the privilege of going downtown with a community of believers to feed and clothe a community of need. i had never seen such a large population of homeless people in my life, and it was alarming at how much we overlook the poor in america. we definitely "house" the richest poor people in the world, but if we helped ourselves so we could help others... just a thought.

thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it's evolved to revolve around food and family. both are near and dear to my heart: meaningful, satisfying, necessary. my thanksgivings always involve a lot of people, sports, food, and quality time. this year i was fortunate enough to have the presence of my roommate at our gathering. he's a one of a kind kid that i wouldn't dare try to characterize with a series of adjectives. you'll have to trust me that he's somebody worth getting to know. anyway, he has these cravings for both food and family so i figured he would do fine. :] i had a blast getting to chill with him, as well as getting to have quality conversations with other family members. my aunt always asks how my girlfriend is doing, and each time i explain that she is a friend: a good friend, not a girlfriend. however, the conversation moved past that superficial teasing, and it was great! same thing with my grandpa. who might be reading this so i'll have to be careful here. ;D he's super a great guy, as shown by the care he pours into the family and the man he raised my dad to be. i got to sit down with him and talk and we covered so much ground and i realized how much i have yet to learn about my family. i always try to put god first, but rarely do i intentionally try to put family second. that's gonna have to change.

have you ever been in a vehicle and thought "i should probably put on a seat belt because getting in a car accident would really suck."? have you ever had that thought, then actually gotten into a car accident? it's a pretty wild feeling to say the least. the first car stopped. the second car swerved. we stopped. smoke. silence. brace. crash. the fourth car stopped too. #carcrashvirginitygone

the past few weeks have shown me just how difficult and important it is to master the art of patience. a few specific people come to mind when i think of patience, and someday i hope to be one of them. i used to think myself a patient person, but i found my breaking point earlier this year, and it was not nearly as high as i had thought it would be. no, i am not a patient person, but i met a woman two weeks ago that could find joy in planting a seed and watching it grow into a mighty oak. in fact, that's exactly wat she did to another one of my peers, and watching the two of them communicate is an amazing experience. she plants a seed of trust that allows for open communication, and that seed sprouts and reaches out in every direction. it's an incredible thing to witness. and i applaud those who do not thrive solely on instant gratification.

hipsters are going to change the world, one non-mainstream step at a time. buy your toms and beanies now cause they're taking over. and i'm totally hopping on board, cause these non-profits aren't gonna run themselves. :]

and just in case i'm on your list of people to christmas shop for, i'll be accepting mission trip donations from now until may. please&&thanks. :] oh, and if there's any way you could score me a music date with christina perri, i will accept that gift as well.

[2 chronicles 7:14]

thehistoryofcancer.

2011-11-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

"the history of cancer is changing course." i heard that on the radio last week. made me think about today. how well did i live today? someday i'll know.

[1 peter 4:10]

thispassion.

2011-11-30T21:58:00.000-08:00

we're just two artists,

chasing our dreams, hoping to be

found by the light someday. we feel

like we're standing in the wrong place,

even though it's where we ought to be.

wat we can't understand is simply

a divine plan of sorts, one that's as visible

as the wind that fills our sails. the pirates

try to rob us of possessions that

weren't our to begin with. wat would a

dream be if it was handed to us?

the hands are willing and able,

but they don't satisfy our fickle needs, not

on purpose, only our deep-seeded needs

and desires, with great intention.

we don't understand the pattern of the waves

or the winds or the plates,

but we hold hope that these roots

will sprout someday, someday

into something even more beautiful than

this passion.

[luke 12:24]

elevenweeksofcollege.

2011-11-10T00:25:00.000-08:00

defenestrate [dee-fen-uh-streyt] - v. - to throw (a person or thing) out of a window.

this past tuesday, i was asked if i smoked weed. he said he asked because my eyes are squinty all the time. kinda threw me off guard--i've never even seen an actual drug. but i was taken aback because i do my best to be intentional about how i listen, think, speak, and act, and i would have guessed that the people around me would have waived such a question. i've always been proud of my ability to relate to those who run lives that are radically different than my own, but it's a dangerous game that can lead to people-pleasing and compromising. have i been practicing what i'm preaching? i believe so. but maybe that's because i'm not really preaching anything at all. my greatest and only fear going into college was that i would find comfort. that i would learn to be ok with my surroundings. i want to preach a life that screams vision and action and progress. i'm not ok with being ok, and i never want to be.

beauty [byoo-tee] - n. - a meaningful design or pattern.

i'm a huge fan of finding beauty from ashes, and since we can only see a very small piece of life called the present, i'm an even bigger fan of letting god show me beauty from ashes. the last few weeks have truly opened my eyes to the extreme pains that individuals and groups face on a daily basis here in college. much of this pain is self-induced, but that fact is so insignificant in the grand scheme of things. there is nothing beautiful about a girl who is abused by her boyfriend, or a guy who struggles to accept himself, but there is a divine beauty in knowing that hope is a real thing, and that it's attainable. it's nearly tangible, and it is a gift that relentlessly pursues those who need it. which would be all of is, in one way or another.

ugliness [uhg-lee-ness] - n. - that which is offensive to the sense of beauty.

i went to the midnight premiere of the newest harold and kumar movie. i'm not particularly proud of that decision, but i ended up staying to watch the entire film. there is nothing beautiful about a crowd of teenagers cheering when the actor finds a blunt on his doorstep, or when two strangers hook up and have awkward sex, or when a baby is tripping on e. it's just not the sort of thing i want to be supporting. i left in a super pensive mood that quickly lead to a sincere annoyance with our generation. i was annoyed because of the way my peers interpret freedom, by the way they exercise their free will. it was frustrating to know how much potential is being wasted because we focus so much on the things that bring us instant pleasure and gratification.

but then i realized how silly it was to be annoyed. peeving over the noticeable symptoms for problems that are much more deeply rooted never accomplished anything. so let's replace all the variables here. why not be passionate about bringing gratification and satiety to others? just a thought i suppose.

bad [bad] - n. - not good in any manner or degree.

this past tuesday was such a mess. i was having a great day, being all productive and such, but it seemed like things couldn't get worse for a number of my friends. breakups, broken electronics, deleted papers, sleepless nights. just the things that send a stressed out college kid over the edge.

interesting [in-ter-uh-sting] - adj. - engaging or exciting and holding the attention or curiosity.

three weeks ago, a friend invited me to a saw movie marathon. we started at midnight, and she fell asleep during the second film. we had to host another marathon to get through the next two, and she feel asleep again. those movies are works of art, from filming and psychological aspects. jigsaw wasn't totally right in the head, but he knew human nature down to the t. his basis for the experiments he performed was that he wanted to make people appreciate the lives they've been given. the test subjects were selected because they had been extremely abusive to their own well being. they were not thankful for second chances, much less first chances. these people were victims to their own selfishness, and they payed for it dearly. how much are we paying? life is a gift that has already been payed for: shouldn't we freely accept it?

joy [joi] - n. - a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.

i find a lot of philosophical truth in the bible. i recently read a few verses that express this idea that kindness is supposed to be an overflow of the state of the heart. i've also heard that we should give as we are able to give. together, these concepts have changed the way that i go about serving others. i think it's hard to give if you are empty to begin with. we college kids are in such a unique position to change themselves, each other--the world, if we choose to do so. this all revolves around the concept of potential. a few years ago, i called out a new friend of mine. i told her that she had potential to be great: it was one of the most powerful things god has ever said through me. so many of us are so focused on being independent and getting respect that we miss out on the opportunity to make an actual difference in the world. and many of us focus so freakin hard on being good people, on being tolerant, on following the rules, and we try to work our way to heaven or to a high level of personal morality.

bitterness [bit-er-ness] - n. - intense antagonism or hostility.

patience [pey-shuh'ns] - n. - quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence.

it's a pretty incredible feeling to realize when you can't love somebody on your own power. incredible in the sense that it is completely consuming--it took me two months to give up on loving them on my own power. i was so preoccupied with the symptoms of their bitterness, that i ended up catching that disease. god has been teaching my how to be patient and and to surrender through exposure to the diseases that affect others' lives. to an extent, we've all tried digging our graves before. some of us go to great lengths to dig faster and to get others to help us. wild stuff, really.

grateful [greyt-fuh'l] - adj. - warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received.

independence [in-di-pen-duh'ns] - n. - freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, or the like, of others.

it's been a long time since i've been truly grateful for something or someone. it's been almost as long since i've experienced true joy. i was so bitter because i was trying to be so independent. i sought freedom so passionately that i found my chains. i pursued others with weak, earthly love so intensely that i discovered my conditions. i tried to create beautiful intentions that resulted in ugly outcomes. i experienced, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i learned about patience, and the importance of patience, and the application of patience. this past month has been interesting: full of interesting people, places, lessons, conversations, observations. thank you, lord. you're hardcore rocking my small little world right now.

i'm going to defenestrate a handful of confetti someday.

[galatians 5:13]

sevenweeksofcollege.

2011-10-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

i was given a serious dose of college two weeks ago: i took a biology practical and scored a 57%. i also took an exercise and wellness test that covered eight chapters worth of material: i got a 93% on that. college is both extremely easy and super hard, and it's that combination that puts studying into a feast or famine perspective.

amidst the chaos of studying--err, cramming--i found great peace and solitude in the music and the weather that i exposed myself to. i had worship music playing at a reasonable volume nearly 24/7, and i felt extremely refreshed the entire time. oh! i'll talk about the idea of being refreshing in a sec. the only times that i didn't have music playing was during class or during meals, the latter of which were all enjoyed out of doors. the weather has been absolutely gorgeous the past week or so, and i love seeing how much of a positive impact the weather has been having on all of us.

loud music and good weather are both nice escapes for short periods of time, but sometimes you need a real escape. this past weekend, i got to go to mexico and that was exactly the escape that i needed. i was able to spend hours on end playing with ten or so kids at an orphanage in naco, just outside of the border. i'll figure out a way to put up some pictures on here because i feel that my joy is better conveyed visually than textually. every one of the four times i've been to mexico, i've come back with such a broader world view. america has a strange view of "rights" and "privileges." we feel so entitled to everything in our physical possession, from a place to sleep, to the schools we attend, to the bodies that we operate. we have done nothing to earn these things, yet we so often take obsessive measures to prove our ownership. in places like rocky point and naco, the people view so many things as privileges and as blessings. this promotes a healthy view of what's really ours and what we're only taking care of. also, blessings are meant to be shared, and it is incredibly encouraging to see how much these people share with those in need. which is almost strange, because they are in great need themselves, but it seems to work out to everyone's advantage every single time. makes me wonder what would happen if more of us americans gave until we hurt.

if you've never met a foreign orphan, i'd be tempted to say that you have never seen or experienced true joy. that's quite a stretch, but being able to see such a lack of material things coinciding with such a presence of gratitude is unlike anything else in the world. i am so thankful that i have had so many opportunities to serve and be served by people who live lives that are such radically different than my own. on a semi-relevant tangent, i'm in the process of figuring out how to drop out of college. not education all together, just the university life. i see such value in collegiate educations, but i'm being called to a different field, to many different fields i believe. i have such a passion for service and for people, and i want to dedicate my life to those who can't help themselves. whether i end up building houses across the world or educating teens about healthy self-image and self-efficacy right here in america, i cannot say, but i trust the hands i've been placed in. i want to learn and i want to apply that knowledge. between personal training, cirque du soleil, and nonprofit organizations, i have a pretty good idea of certain things that i'm being called to, and i'm far from content with sitting in a classroom learning about things that i'll probably never need.

i'm sitting in class right now, watching a movie, and i'm far from mentally engaged in the subject matter. part of the reason is because i'm pretty much stoked on life. life is grand in and of itself, but it's always nice when you see god working in and around you. last night, i was able to witness to a friend after a series of unrelated, seemingly unimportant events. he invited me to a math review that i really didn't need, but i went anyways and invited him to dinner in the dorms afterwards. he had never been in the actually dorms before, so i invited him to check out my room, and laying on the floor was my "god recycles: he made you out of dust." folder. i saw that folder in the store and decided i needed it. ;D anyway, he asked me about it and we just just talked about god and religion and life and college and it was one of the coolest things ever. i'm not offering this as a proof of god, but for those who do believe, situations like this--ones where you speak words and do things that don't come from yourself--act as serious encouragement in god's activeness.

i struggle with this often, the fear that i'll turn to deism because i fail to see god actively working in my life. moralistic therapeutic deism is also something i pray that i'll never rely on. mtd is a belief system that is perfect by human standards. wouldn't it be nice if you could act as you wish, but when things got difficult or hard to deal with, you could use god as a divine butler? that's the idea behind mtd, and studies have shown that the vast majority of college students subconsciously follow this religion. this following is destructive no matter how one looks at it, for the simple reason that moralistic therapeutic deists bathe in false hope. to the atheist, any hope in god is absurd, and to nearly all theists, any hope in a god that wants humans to live as they please is absurd.

this post was not supposed to be longer than my first post. XD as a final note, i want to encourage all of you readers to live this next week out to it's fullest. if you are high on life and everything is totally swell, i want to encourage you to share that joyous spirit with those around you. be a light to those who are going through rough times, as well as those who are in your same shoes. to you who have been rocked by the issues in your life, keep pushing through. i can't promise when they will end, or even if they will end, but from my own experiences, i can assure you that the only way to fill yourself up is to empty yourself out. give until you have nothing to give, and you will be filled until their is no room to fill. strange how life works sometimes, but i've yet to see that mindset fail. life is so freakin short, so don't wait for tomorrow because tomorrow never comes. #clicheendingftw

ps- i never got back to the whole "being refreshing" thing. >,< this is actually a nice followup to that last paragraph. over the past month, i've been making a conscious effort to monitor my sarcasm, both in quantity and quality. however, god does not just call us to avoid being a stumbling block to those around us: he also wants us to be a building block so that we can be positive influences on one another. over the past two weeks, i've been working on being refreshing to those around me. do you know anyone that has a shining presence about them? somebody who brings smiles to everyone they meet? my roommate is exactly that. the person who makes acquaintances--strangers, too--feel like celebrities. he finds the good in those around him, and he takes the time to give out compliments to anybody and everybody. it's the coolest thing ever, and i'm striving to do the same. whether it's giving verbal praise or acting with a servant mentality, i'm in the process of being noticeably appreciative of the people around me. we're in this together, people: life is a team sport. let's lift each other's spirits.

[revelation 2:17]

fiveweeksofcollege.

2011-09-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

i'm a boy, i'm a christian, i'm a freshman in college, and these three factors provide the basis for most of my opinions and perspectives.

i only started looking forward to college once the final weeks of summer rolled in. toward the beginning of august, i suddenly felt like i was in this limbo state between where i had been and where i needed to be. it was extremely unsettling and i felt an intense need for change. i needed something drastic to change the course of my daily living, and college was just the thing.

well, sort of. i have this reoccurring thought at the end of each day, that college is so different from high school--and yet so much the same. it's truly incredible how much things change, yet how closely they resemble their past. bowling for soup has a song called "high school never ends," which is true to an extent. i loved high school until the bell rang on the final day, but for those of you who are sick of the high school lull, know that it gets better.

college is an overdose of freedom. to exemplify the factor that has affected me the most, my computer says it is 2:44 am. i have not fallen prey to the college party life that has already consumed so many freshmen, but i continue to fill my schedule with various activities--anything and everything that doesn't involve a solid night of sleep. in consequence, much of my free time is spent napping throughout the day. someday i'll get it figured out. someday when i decide that sleep should no longer be my lowest priority. not enough hours in a day, not enough days in a lifetime. that's the mindset that keeps me going, keeps me from intentionally wasting these precious moments.

normally, i use way too many smileys in my text--almost intervention worthy. i'm as happy as a clam right now, but i feel like the fact that it's 2:53 AM on a friday morning takes away from my dependence on emoticons. but, since this seems way too serious already, here's one for the road. :]

it's now saturday afternoon: different day, same post. i went to my high school's football game last night. football is cool, but the marching band is where it's at. perhaps i'm slightly biased though: 99.9% of my friends and stories from high school came from the four years i spent in marching band. i loved marching band with a burning passion for the music, the marching, the performance, and the people. it was stressful, but it was nearly always eustress. we were a 120 piece family that had so many common interests and just as many differences, and we fused it all together to reach a central goal. i was certain that the end of marching band would be the end of my purpose, but i was wrong. last night, i got to watch the people i know and love pour their hearts out on the field--and i didn't feel left out. i felt just as much a part of the production as i had before, knowing that my senior class left a legacy on the band, knowing that they were having the time of their lives. it was an incredible feeling that left me with this solid closure. i miss you all, and you guys freakin rocked it last night. :]

college is equally as diverse as marching band as far as the people go. however, we're not all reaching for the same goal. nor does everyone have a passion for teamwork: the determination of teens to be independent is ruining our country, but i'll save that rant for another post. :b i've met people from every background that you could think of, from the catholic school girl, to the ninth year art major, to the guy from cameroon. i'd like to point of the last of the three, because i feel that he should have auditioned for being the most interesting man in the world.

i journal every night on a second floor balcony (i'll put pictures up in the fisheye chronicles soon) without fail. same chair, too. on august 28th at 11:58 pm, this tall black guy walks out of the upperclassmen dorms, complaining to himself about how bored he is. i acknowledged his presence, and he came and sat across from me on the couch. i listened to him ramble about how he had emailed his professors for more homework, but they couldn't find any for him to do. after a good twenty minutes or so, he noticed my bible on the table next to me. over the course of three hours, he asked me a number of questions about who i am, what i believe, that sort of thing. however, after--or during-- i finished my answer, he would jump in and talk about himself. here's what i found out from that conversation:

"he's 22 years old. he's from cameroon. he's a double major in physics and electrical engineering. he's an actor. he's a movie and tv show producer. he's an airplane pilot. he was homeless upon moving to arizona last week. he went to the channel 12 floor of the cronk building and told them he had an idea for a tv show. he says hi to every woman that walks by."

quoted from my journal entry from that night. i've run into him four or five more times since, and each time we chat for a couple of hours about our lives, personalities, beliefs, desires, dreams, etc. i live for "coincidences" like this.

dang, that turned out to be a lot longer than i had planned. >,< but give me a break, i had to catch up on the last five weeks of my life! i hope you enjoyed this ramble, and look forward to new posts, pictures, etc. at least every two weeks. until then, i hope you have a wonderful rest of your day, and for you college kids, i hope you get some sleep! :D

oh, and if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or things you'd like me to address in another post, drop a comment below and i'll get to you asap!

[ecclesiastes 3:11]